A friend recently called me, frustrated with herself. She’d just been to a crowded restaurant where people kept bumping into her. Each time it happened, she found herself saying, “Sorry!” The word came out automatically, even though she didn’t feel remorseful or responsible. After the fifth or sixth apology, she realized how ingrained this habit had become and wondered, “Why am I always apologizing?”
Over-apologizing happens among both men and women, but it seems especially prevalent with women. Society teaches us to be dainty and agreeable, constantly striving to be seen as “good girls.” Apologizing for taking up space in a busy restaurant is one thing, but phrases like “Sorry to interrupt, but I think…” or “Sorry, but I just wanted to say…” are also overused in professional settings.
Working in the male-dominated construction industry, I understand how intimidating it can be to be the only woman in the room. I also know the importance of owning your space and speaking with confidence. Let’s explore why women tend to over-apologize and what we can say instead.
The Psychology Behind Women Saying “Sorry”
To address the issue of over-apologizing, it helps to understand the reasons behind it. Why do women say “sorry” so often? Why do so many of our statements start with an apology?
One common theory is that women fear being perceived as rude more than men. A 2010 study in the Journal of Psychological Science found that women have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior. In other words, men apologize when they think it’s necessary, but women perceive more of their behavior as requiring an apology.
Maja Jovanovic, author of “Hey Ladies, Stop Apologizing and Other Career Mistakes Women Make,” builds on this idea, stating that women have been “socialized into a passive mindset” and “people-pleasing behavior” from an early age. Overapologizing becomes a way of “keeping the peace when interacting with others.”
Sloane Crosley, writing for the New York Times, introduces the concept of “assertive apologies.” For instance, when a woman shouts, “I’m sorry but can you turn the music down?” her “sorry” is a passive-aggressive way to express anger and annoyance in a society that discourages women from showing these emotions.
Encouraging Women to Use Assertive Language
Regardless of the reasons behind women’s tendency to over-apologize, it’s behavior that can benefit from mindful adjustment. Starting sentences with “sorry” gets in the way of making assertive statements. Rather than apologizing unnecessarily, women should speak their minds, stand their ground, and ask for what they need.
Frequent apologies undermine women’s authority and leadership presence in professional environments. Overapologizing suggests low self-esteem and a fear of being seen as “pushy” or “unlikable.” Neuroscientist Tara Swart says, “Apologizing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologizing presents as a weakness at work and in personal relationships.”
Overapologizing can also seep into the subconscious, fueling imposter syndrome and becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. This can lead to hesitancy and lowered confidence in your abilities, hindering decisive actions.
What to Say Instead of “Sorry”
According to Swart, changing the habit of overapologizing is like kicking any other habit. To start, focus on self-awareness by:
- Being aware of every time you say “sorry”
- Setting an intention to switch out “sorry” for a different phrase
Here’s some ideas of phrases to use instead:
➡️ Instead of saying “I’m sorry,” say: “Excuse me.”
➡️ Instead of saying “Sorry to interrupt,” say: “I’d like to expand on that…”
➡️ Instead of saying “Sorry to bother you,” say: “Do you have a moment?”
➡️ Instead of saying “Sorry, but I just wanted to say…” say: “I have an idea…”
➡️ Instead of saying “Sorry for the inconvenience,” say: “Thank you for understanding.”
➡️ Instead of saying “Sorry, I’m not sure,” say: “I’ll find out for you.”
These alternatives help convey your message without undermining your confidence or authority.
The Next Step: Get Comfortable Asking Tough Questions
When women ask me for business advice, I often tell them: don’t be afraid to ask, because you’ll never find the answer if you don’t ask.
Whether you’re starting a new business, growing an existing one, or advancing your career, having the confidence to ask tough questions and put yourself out there will lead to new knowledge, experiences, and success.
Incorporating the phrases above into your daily conversations can help you reduce the habit of over-apologizing. That being said, you may find that speaking more directly in a business context results in receiving more direct responses, including the occasional “no.” As the owner and CEO of a large drywall company, I’ve experienced this plenty.
We often think “no” is the worst thing we can hear, but what if we viewed it as a starting point for negotiations? When I hear “no,” I say, “Tell me more about where this ‘no’ is coming from.” Understanding the reasons behind the “no” allows you to use your expertise to show that you are the solution they need.
Change your perspective on asking tough questions and hearing “no.” I find joy in turning a “no” into a “yes” when doing business. Even if I don’t always succeed, I gain valuable information in the process.
Many women face professional setbacks because they hesitate to ask tough questions. Whether you’re asking for more information, fair pay, or a seat at the table, you’ll never get an answer if you don’t speak up. Overusing “sorry” only feeds the fear. By eliminating the habit of over-apologizing, you can build self-confidence and feel more comfortable expressing your opinions. These qualities are your superpowers.
Asserting Your Voice and Owning Your Space
Women hold an essential role in society, and it’s important that we navigate both business and life by confidently expressing ourselves.
As author Tiffany Dufu emphasizes, “Women need to stop apologizing, not because we do everything right but because we need to understand that it is ok to do some things wrong.”
Instead of striving to be the perfect “good girl” who hesitates to voice opinions and apologizes unnecessarily, recognize your right to take up space, whether at work, in relationships, or in a busy restaurant.
Women naturally fall into the role of peacekeeper, which is an admirable and valuable quality to take on. But don’t let this role hinder your progress in life. Don’t let the desire to keep the peace slow down your trajectory. Ask for what you want and deserve, even if it feels uncomfortable.
There was a time when women were primarily valued for their modesty and agreeableness, but times have evolved. Today, it’s important to assert yourself, ask the tough questions, and confidently express your opinions. Embracing this change can ignite your potential and pave the way for personal and professional growth.
Helping Women Empower Themselves
With 19 years of hands-on experience as the owner and CEO of PDI Drywall, I’ve gained valuable insights into the challenges and triumphs women face in the business world. Navigating male-dominated industries has sharpened my understanding of the unique hurdles we encounter.
Beyond running my company, I’m fueled by a deep passion for empowering women to excel in both business and life. I work as a public speaker, offering actionable advice and practical guidance, rooted in my journey of success and setbacks.
From breaking through barriers to amplifying your voice and value, I relish the opportunity to ignite inspiration and motivation in audiences. Reach out to me today, and let’s explore how we can collaborate to empower and uplift others.
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